What a time to be writing this!
In a time such as this and on a day such as today!! Crazeee!!
This morning I had an appointment with my fertility specialist to be told, “I’m sorry due to the coronavirus, all elective surgery has to be put on hold” i.e. egg retrieval in IVF is considered an elective surgery. As though I/we have elected to be infertile and that time is not of the essence…then I am reminded of Gods promises.
He will never give ME anything I cannot handle and with all my heart knowing His word says “ Trust in me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” So through the confusion and the thought ”Will this ever happen” I make a conscious decision to go on trusting my Father, trusting his word and trusting his promises for me. Remembering that His plan is not always my plan, but whatever it is, it is always for the better.
Sounds pretty easy right? But it is not, a combination of my hope, my hormones and the state of the world comes into play, so I have to tell myself it is ok to cry and feel frustrated, but it is not ok to camp here.
I am 44 years old and I am still waiting on my miracle…I sometimes feel like giving up...but when I have that thought, it does not sit comfortably with me. I wonder if this is because God is telling me, to be patient? I want to be believe this, and to a degree I do, but two nights ago my husband said, perhaps we are meant to look after other people’s children, because at the moment without going into too much we are…and we love it.
Faith, hope and infertility, is not an easy road…in fact I am not going to pretend it is a place I have arrived at rather a daily practice of faith. I am extremely blessed with the fact that God has gifted me with the ability to be an eternal optimist, but sometimes I wonder if it is time to come to terms with the fact this may not happen.
IVF is not for the faint hearted, I guess just like motherhood is not for the faint hearted. Getting your head around not being able to have a child is hard enough. Hands up if you thought in your tweens that it just happened? I am wildly raising my hand. I thought I had all this time and then life happens.
Things happen and suddenly you find yourself in a fertility clinic doing tests and trying to understand how this works. All the while looking over at your husband thinking he should not have to go through this and you wonder if he will be better off…..you start to beat yourself up thinking “I as a woman should be able to have children, I should be able to give my husband a family”.
It seems when you’re down already this is when the enemy tries to come in and kick you even more. Your mind plays tricks on you, well intentioned people say things that really at times are not helpful and then there are those that are not well intentioned, but you roll with the punches. Anyone going through this journey find that?
So, then your alter ego ‘Shanay Nay” kicks in and you need to pray even more saying “Lord Jesus help me to have grace with this person” because we all know that Shanay Nay needs to stay behind closed doors.
The truth is we don’t know if this is going to happen, and I understand that people mean well, but sometimes you just need someone to walk with you and be a realist but at the same time live in hope with you, cry with you and when you need the space they allow you that without getting mad.
They understand, this is a surreal journey and finding out you’re not pregnant time after time again is exhausting but the world goes on and we need to just trust in God.
No, actually, Not “just trust” but Boldly trust in God!
Something that has really helped me is to be grateful for what I do have, and I have so much. My husband, my family/close friends and my fertility specialist who continually support and fight for me. My hope is that this time next year I will be writing to you about being a mother…. whatever form that takes.
Leasle Hickey
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